The Problem I've Been Living With
After spending way too much time on Charly Cox's blog (Which I would totally recommend checking out but not when you're feeling vulnerable because it will make you self-reflect like cray; case in point), the urge to write this blog post has almost consumed me (more than the other 50 times I've tried, and failed to, at least).
Since the dawn of time; or I guess, since I was able to fully understand what was around me, I knew I was not like everyone else.
As I've grown up, I've started pressuring myself to like some of the things people like and be the way people would want me to be. It's the most pathetic thing really; but I was so afraid of being typecast as a loser, that I decided I'd much rather blend in. I would make plans to do something I had no desire of doing whilst simultaneously planning ways I could ditch without looking too suspicious. I'm not saying I haven't been me because I have, I just had a tendency of forcing myself to do things I wasn't 100% enthusiastic about just to please the people around me.
Truth is; I just don't fit the teenage stereotype (not fully at least): I don't like parties (I love dancing, I just don't know how to go about it. Add in the fact that I'm totally claustrophobic and you've got my worst nightmare), I rarely find the appeal in drinking and the fact that I enjoy reading about this kind of stuff more than actually doing it made me feel, for a long time, like there was something wrong with me.
Reading this, you'd think I was 27 and at the height of my maturity and wiseness, and maybe when I do turn 27 I'll have changed my mind about all of this but right now, this is where I stand.
I guess people don't really care if I'm this way or, in the grand scheme of things, they do care (Did you understand that?) but this tiny part of me makes me feel like me being this way bothers them, and that bothers me (Hence, this post).
It's highly possible that I'm making a much bigger deal about this than it really is, but it's been weighting me down for a long time and putting it out into the world gives me peace of mind (not counting, of course, all the butterflies playing catch in my stomach and the crippling fear of being laughed at, marginalized or cast as a fraud).
If humans had a longer attention span than I'd probably tell you that I'm still fun to hang out with and have awesome qualities that overshadow the fact that I'm an 80 year-old woman inside, but I don't feel the need to justify myself anymore. This is who I am. Deal with it.
P.S: My 20 seconds of "insane" courage are starting to dwindle and if I don't post this soon, I never will so I'm sorry if it's all over the place and I'm sure I'll go back and edit it (or delete it) in the near future so bear with me.
P.P.S: I would also like to mention that I had a whole blog post ready to upload on this little blog's 1st anniversary but I totally forgot and I felt that posting it 2 days later wouldn't be as emosh or whatever. Long story short, I am very grateful if you've stuck with me this whole year or have just discovered this and decided you liked it. I'm just very glad I started this whole thing to begin with. Let's hope I don't screw everything up, yeah?
Since the dawn of time; or I guess, since I was able to fully understand what was around me, I knew I was not like everyone else.
As I've grown up, I've started pressuring myself to like some of the things people like and be the way people would want me to be. It's the most pathetic thing really; but I was so afraid of being typecast as a loser, that I decided I'd much rather blend in. I would make plans to do something I had no desire of doing whilst simultaneously planning ways I could ditch without looking too suspicious. I'm not saying I haven't been me because I have, I just had a tendency of forcing myself to do things I wasn't 100% enthusiastic about just to please the people around me.
Truth is; I just don't fit the teenage stereotype (not fully at least): I don't like parties (I love dancing, I just don't know how to go about it. Add in the fact that I'm totally claustrophobic and you've got my worst nightmare), I rarely find the appeal in drinking and the fact that I enjoy reading about this kind of stuff more than actually doing it made me feel, for a long time, like there was something wrong with me.
Reading this, you'd think I was 27 and at the height of my maturity and wiseness, and maybe when I do turn 27 I'll have changed my mind about all of this but right now, this is where I stand.
I guess people don't really care if I'm this way or, in the grand scheme of things, they do care (Did you understand that?) but this tiny part of me makes me feel like me being this way bothers them, and that bothers me (Hence, this post).
It's highly possible that I'm making a much bigger deal about this than it really is, but it's been weighting me down for a long time and putting it out into the world gives me peace of mind (not counting, of course, all the butterflies playing catch in my stomach and the crippling fear of being laughed at, marginalized or cast as a fraud).
If humans had a longer attention span than I'd probably tell you that I'm still fun to hang out with and have awesome qualities that overshadow the fact that I'm an 80 year-old woman inside, but I don't feel the need to justify myself anymore. This is who I am. Deal with it.
P.S: My 20 seconds of "insane" courage are starting to dwindle and if I don't post this soon, I never will so I'm sorry if it's all over the place and I'm sure I'll go back and edit it (
P.P.S: I would also like to mention that I had a whole blog post ready to upload on this little blog's 1st anniversary but I totally forgot and I felt that posting it 2 days later wouldn't be as emosh or whatever. Long story short, I am very grateful if you've stuck with me this whole year or have just discovered this and decided you liked it. I'm just very glad I started this whole thing to begin with. Let's hope I don't screw everything up, yeah?
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