By Myself
I've been in university for 7 weeks now, and it'd be a lie to say that I haven't had to readjust my life a little bit. As you probably already know, half of my friends are spread out all across the world, and although the other half goes to the same university as I do, I very rarely get to see them because of the size of the campus and the differences in our schedules. This means that over the past 7 weeks, I have been spending most of my time by myself.
I can almost sense the pity arising in whoever is reading this, as I have seen it in the faces of my friends when I've Facetimed with them and told them about this. Like spending time alone is the ultimate sad, pathetic thing to do. If I'm being honest, I've grown to love it.
I have always felt the need to be surrounded by people in public, too afraid to be by myself because of what people might think or how I must look. I don't know if it's because of the society I grew up in or the school I went to, but people where I come from just don't hang out alone. It's not a thing. If you go to a movie by yourself or have a meal by yourself, people will either think you're depressed or a loser. I'm guilty of feeling pangs of pity for people when I see them alone in restaurants, even though I know nothing of how they're feeling at that moment. I mean, they could be fucking elated for all I know. My response to this is fuck that.
Spending time by yourself is liberating, and I'm not just saying that because my introvert tendencies kind of force me to spend a lot of time by myself anyway. The first couple of weeks, I would spend time with people I didn't necessarily like just to feel like I wasn't alone. I would have to come up with horrible small talk that I just couldn't deal with and listen to stupid stories I could give less of a shit about. Why was I forcing myself to hang out with vapid people who's company I didn't care for when I could very easily stay by myself, someone I'm guaranteed I like?
Gradually though, I started discovering nooks and crannies in buildings at school where I'll sit and catch up on some reading, sometimes having lunch by myself. I try not to pay attention to people's looks. It's very egotistical of me to assume they're acknowledging my aloneness. It's very stupid of me to care.
I don't know if it's because I have the comfort of knowing that I'm not completely alone, that my friends are on the other side of the campus and my family will be home when I get there, but I haven't felt a need to go out and make new friends, or even new acquaintances. I know that for my friends who are abroad it's different, that they have no choice but to make new friends otherwise they'll be completely by themselves, but I don't feel that necessity. I would rather use this free time I'm allotted by spending it alone than by trying to expand my circle of friends, by getting to know myself and not other people.
I can almost sense the pity arising in whoever is reading this, as I have seen it in the faces of my friends when I've Facetimed with them and told them about this. Like spending time alone is the ultimate sad, pathetic thing to do. If I'm being honest, I've grown to love it.
I have always felt the need to be surrounded by people in public, too afraid to be by myself because of what people might think or how I must look. I don't know if it's because of the society I grew up in or the school I went to, but people where I come from just don't hang out alone. It's not a thing. If you go to a movie by yourself or have a meal by yourself, people will either think you're depressed or a loser. I'm guilty of feeling pangs of pity for people when I see them alone in restaurants, even though I know nothing of how they're feeling at that moment. I mean, they could be fucking elated for all I know. My response to this is fuck that.
Spending time by yourself is liberating, and I'm not just saying that because my introvert tendencies kind of force me to spend a lot of time by myself anyway. The first couple of weeks, I would spend time with people I didn't necessarily like just to feel like I wasn't alone. I would have to come up with horrible small talk that I just couldn't deal with and listen to stupid stories I could give less of a shit about. Why was I forcing myself to hang out with vapid people who's company I didn't care for when I could very easily stay by myself, someone I'm guaranteed I like?
Gradually though, I started discovering nooks and crannies in buildings at school where I'll sit and catch up on some reading, sometimes having lunch by myself. I try not to pay attention to people's looks. It's very egotistical of me to assume they're acknowledging my aloneness. It's very stupid of me to care.
I don't know if it's because I have the comfort of knowing that I'm not completely alone, that my friends are on the other side of the campus and my family will be home when I get there, but I haven't felt a need to go out and make new friends, or even new acquaintances. I know that for my friends who are abroad it's different, that they have no choice but to make new friends otherwise they'll be completely by themselves, but I don't feel that necessity. I would rather use this free time I'm allotted by spending it alone than by trying to expand my circle of friends, by getting to know myself and not other people.
Comments
Post a Comment