Take 3: New Year's Resolutions
At the beginning of last year, I wrote a blog post condemning New Year's resolutions, basically saying that they were a load of bullshit that should not be a thing. But then life happened, and I grew and lived and went through a lot of things. It's unbelievable, looking back, how much things can change over the course of a year. A few months, really.
These past months have been the weirdest ones of my life. I know I can't stop talking about this but I find navigating the waters of life without my bestest friends (whom I have spent the better part of 6 years surgically attached to, just fyi) here just really, genuinely weird. But I have decided to see it as an opportunity for inner growth and discovering things about myself I may have never noticed. This "clean slate" has given me the chance to refresh my mind and renew my creativity. I feel, for the first time in a long time, inspired by the journey ahead. I've always found the new year amazing, like a chance God or the christian calendar or whoever is giving us to start anew. This year more than ever, I feel this renewed sense of freedom and opportunity that makes me so inspired. I am 18 years old, the youngest that I will ever be. The opportunities are endless, the paths infinite. I can do just about anything right now. And that is why I have decided to take this year (and the 2 more I have at university- in Lebanon, at least) and use them to my advantage. I want to discover the world, to do crazy, stupid shit. To not have a plan, for once in my life. If you think this is completely out of character for me, you would be right. I am usually a very careful person. I make extensive plans before any outing, from going on a trip to going to dinner. I'm cautious. I'm afraid of taking risks. Every once in a while, I'll get this burst of courage and want to do anything and everything possible (Travel on my own, swim with dolphins, go braless for a month) but quickly talk myself out of it. But I'm done talking myself out of things. I don't want to be 80 looking at my life and only seeing plans that I never followed through. I hide behind my anxiety, blame everything on it but this is not limited to my disorder. I'm afraid. Of living, of taking risks, of being careless. But fear is a good thing. It means I'm alive. It means I'm actually doing something worthwhile.
This summer for example, I went with my friends to Port Aventura, which is a theme park just outside of Barcelona. The first thing on our list (their list, really) was Shambhala, which is the highest roller coaster in Europe. I'm not going to lie to you, I was fucking terrified. Before the trip, every time they'd talk about the rides at Port Aventura I'd drop subtle hints like "Oh man, I'm not good with heights" or "Haha, I'll probably spend all my time on the kiddie rides", hoping they'd realize I didn't want to do it without me having to actually say it. But with the help of a very well timed burst of courage and the encouraging words of my friends (and frankly, the fact that I was so far up in a queue so long that I couldn't get out if I tried), I made it on the ride. On the way up, I wanted to cry. I cursed myself, cursed my friends, cursed everyone in that stupid theme park that made it possible for me to be ascending to my doom. And then there was the drop. It was something I can't even describe. That drop, that feeling I got in my gut while we were speeding towards the ground is one of the memories I cherish the most from this trip. I felt like I was fucking flying. Like I was invincible. When the ride was over and I was unbuckling my seat belt, I couldn't believe that that had happened. I did something I was terrified of, something that I had been dreading for months, and it turned out to be one of the most amazing, insane, magical things I've done in my life. I ended up going on this ride twice. And I went on 4 of the 5 fastest and craziest rides of that park, and fucking loved it (I was really excited to do the 5th one but we didn't have time to do it cause we had to catch our train). The point of this story is that stepping out of your comfort zone and doing something batshit crazy won't lead to your death. This experience was a real eye opener. I mean if I can plummet to the ground from the highest roller coaster in Europe then surely I can go braless for a month or swim with dolphins or travel on my own.
This whole post was just to say that this year, I feel inspired to create stuff and do stuff and write stuff and live stuff. I want to come into my own in my life, in my major, in here. I know I keep saying this, but I really, genuinely want to create a space that people want to go to and are interested in (I also really wanna change the name of this blog because I chose it when I was in sort of an emo phase and I am so over it). Hopefully, I'll check back in a year's time and tell you about the progress I've made all on my new and improved blog. Roll on Tamara 2.0.
These past months have been the weirdest ones of my life. I know I can't stop talking about this but I find navigating the waters of life without my bestest friends (whom I have spent the better part of 6 years surgically attached to, just fyi) here just really, genuinely weird. But I have decided to see it as an opportunity for inner growth and discovering things about myself I may have never noticed. This "clean slate" has given me the chance to refresh my mind and renew my creativity. I feel, for the first time in a long time, inspired by the journey ahead. I've always found the new year amazing, like a chance God or the christian calendar or whoever is giving us to start anew. This year more than ever, I feel this renewed sense of freedom and opportunity that makes me so inspired. I am 18 years old, the youngest that I will ever be. The opportunities are endless, the paths infinite. I can do just about anything right now. And that is why I have decided to take this year (and the 2 more I have at university- in Lebanon, at least) and use them to my advantage. I want to discover the world, to do crazy, stupid shit. To not have a plan, for once in my life. If you think this is completely out of character for me, you would be right. I am usually a very careful person. I make extensive plans before any outing, from going on a trip to going to dinner. I'm cautious. I'm afraid of taking risks. Every once in a while, I'll get this burst of courage and want to do anything and everything possible (Travel on my own, swim with dolphins, go braless for a month) but quickly talk myself out of it. But I'm done talking myself out of things. I don't want to be 80 looking at my life and only seeing plans that I never followed through. I hide behind my anxiety, blame everything on it but this is not limited to my disorder. I'm afraid. Of living, of taking risks, of being careless. But fear is a good thing. It means I'm alive. It means I'm actually doing something worthwhile.
This summer for example, I went with my friends to Port Aventura, which is a theme park just outside of Barcelona. The first thing on our list (their list, really) was Shambhala, which is the highest roller coaster in Europe. I'm not going to lie to you, I was fucking terrified. Before the trip, every time they'd talk about the rides at Port Aventura I'd drop subtle hints like "Oh man, I'm not good with heights" or "Haha, I'll probably spend all my time on the kiddie rides", hoping they'd realize I didn't want to do it without me having to actually say it. But with the help of a very well timed burst of courage and the encouraging words of my friends (and frankly, the fact that I was so far up in a queue so long that I couldn't get out if I tried), I made it on the ride. On the way up, I wanted to cry. I cursed myself, cursed my friends, cursed everyone in that stupid theme park that made it possible for me to be ascending to my doom. And then there was the drop. It was something I can't even describe. That drop, that feeling I got in my gut while we were speeding towards the ground is one of the memories I cherish the most from this trip. I felt like I was fucking flying. Like I was invincible. When the ride was over and I was unbuckling my seat belt, I couldn't believe that that had happened. I did something I was terrified of, something that I had been dreading for months, and it turned out to be one of the most amazing, insane, magical things I've done in my life. I ended up going on this ride twice. And I went on 4 of the 5 fastest and craziest rides of that park, and fucking loved it (I was really excited to do the 5th one but we didn't have time to do it cause we had to catch our train). The point of this story is that stepping out of your comfort zone and doing something batshit crazy won't lead to your death. This experience was a real eye opener. I mean if I can plummet to the ground from the highest roller coaster in Europe then surely I can go braless for a month or swim with dolphins or travel on my own.
This whole post was just to say that this year, I feel inspired to create stuff and do stuff and write stuff and live stuff. I want to come into my own in my life, in my major, in here. I know I keep saying this, but I really, genuinely want to create a space that people want to go to and are interested in (I also really wanna change the name of this blog because I chose it when I was in sort of an emo phase and I am so over it). Hopefully, I'll check back in a year's time and tell you about the progress I've made all on my new and improved blog. Roll on Tamara 2.0.
Comments
Post a Comment